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Sunday, June 17th, 2007
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3:19 pm
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Wow. Wholly by accident, I stumbled across my own journal. It's baffling how at only fourteen years old, I had a much greater facility with words and feelings than I do now. I wish I could be that in touch with myself again.
current mood: nostalgic
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, February 5th, 2005
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12:11 pm - Just over six months until my brother goes to college...
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I can't believe how often I leave this journal behind.
I was having a rough time at the end of last year. I didn't want to disappoint my parents again, so it took me a while to admit how depressed I am to them. But I'm glad I finally did. Even though I got into the mess on my own, I couldn't find my way out of it without help. Now, I'm switching high schools, and I'm starting to feel happy again. I visited last Wednesday, but Monday is my first official day. Hopefully it will go as well as I expect. I am a bit socially awkward, but I've planned my schedule so I can avoid the lunch room. My free periods have always been better spent in the library.
I hope 2005 is treating all of you well so far.
current mood: anxious
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 31st, 2004
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7:18 pm
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In the end, only one grade on my report card was below an 'A-' -- a 'B' in English, because I turned all but one of my papers in late. Mr. Robinson told me that the grade doesn't reflect my abilities, but he gave it to me in hopes I would put more effort into this quarter. So far, I have, mostly because I am disappointed that the 'B' did not keep me off of Honor Roll. My work most definitely wasn't honorable, so achieving honor status makes me feel somewhat like a cheat.
I turned fourteen today! Instead of having a party, I am going trick-or-treating as Peter Pan (yes, tights included in the costume!) and my friends are accompanying me as the Lost Boys. For some reason, it just struck me how ironic it is that I am celebrating moving forward in life by re-living one of my favorite childhood experiences. It's probably not a coincidence that I am dressing up as the boy who never grew up.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, October 1st, 2004
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10:08 pm
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My mom bought me a new jacket and tie on Monday and I wore them today for my school photo. A boy in my English class told me that he wished he could wear a suit as naturally as I do. I don't know why that's significant to me, but it is.
Since I don't have time to respond to each of you individually right now (I'm going to see Garden State again!), thank you to all who responded to my last post.
current mood: happy
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, September 27th, 2004
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8:05 pm
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I am enjoying high school, but I've been spending all my time with friends instead of doing my work. My mom won't have a report card to put up on the fridge and admire this year. The odd thing is that I don't feel guilty about it.
I am going to be fourteen in just over a month.
current mood: happy
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
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5:49 pm
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I know that since I haven't updated since late April, you all deserve a post with much more substance than this, but whenever I come to update, I only have one thought:
I am going to be a high school freshman in the fall!!
current mood: excited
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 29th, 2004
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8:41 pm
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I don't know how comfortable I am with posting in here anymore. A lot has changed about me in the past month -- of all places, it was Disney World that shattered my innocence -- and it is taking a lot of courage to come to terms with what I'm feeling. I don't quite have that courage yet.
This post is just to assure you that I'm alive, in the case any of you were worried. I hope you are all better off than I am right now.
current mood: nostalgic
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, March 26th, 2004
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10:50 pm - Pressure, pushing down on me.
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My only excuse for not updating is that I have been in awkward mood lately and I hate to advertise it. All of a sudden I can't tolerate the people I appreciate most, and I turn anything potentially positive into something absolutely negative. I'm thinking that I should go see my psychiatrist again. I can barely stand to even write this, because I hate the words that I come up with.
I don't know how to explain it, but I want to escape myself.
current mood: discontent
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, February 12th, 2004
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7:53 pm
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Has it really been a month since I last updated? This year, like last, seems to be going by so quickly. I am actually clueless as to what to write to sum up the past four weeks, but I will mention that things are going well and I finally feel like I've got a good head back on my shoulders. I managed to pull my grades up to Honor Roll level, so not only do I get out of repeating the grade, but I can take accelerated courses in high school next year. It is so self-satisfying to be able to see my report card on the refrigerator every morning, a constant reminder that my parents are proud of me. My priorities have been a bit mixed up this quarter, but I am still doing fabulously in every subject but History (which makes me feel guilty, because it's my favorite class and I have most potential to excel there) and I am hoping I will be able to maintain (or pull up in History's case) them for the next five weeks. Then, in April, it's Disney World with Kay!
current mood: content
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(17 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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8:29 pm
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I am just updating to say that I am having a wonderful week, and I hope that you all are as well. I've been listening to a lot of music in preparation for open mic night on Friday, and here are a few of my song suggestions, if you're interested:
-- Spoon: Someone, Something
-- The Dandy Warhols: Sleep
-- Ian McCulloch: Love In Veins
-- Peter Murphy: Marlene Dietrich's Favourite Poem
and lastly, the one that has never grown old, even after excessive playing:
-- Suede: Sleeping Pills
current mood: chipper
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, January 5th, 2004
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11:04 pm - Taste hope in my skin and faith with the dawn
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The first day back at school in the new year is always a hurdle too high to jump over. I've never done well with transitions. My classes were actually fine today; the hardest part about stepping into the classroom is knowing that I'm not living up to my potential. My teachers don't seem too concerned by it, but I just think they're a bit bowled over by my hospitalization; none of them have figured out a comfortable way to approach me because they're so frightened of my instability. But what made the day so difficult was that my mind was everywhere but where it should have been. I've been having these racy thoughts for a few weeks now, but I'm afraid to mention it to my psychiatrist because it might heighten his suspicion that I'm bipolar. I just wish something would go in my favor for once.
I honestly don't know where I'm going with this post. It's all over the place. I guess I'll end with a big thanks to all of you who have been leaving me comments. I appreciate your support more than you could know. It's comforting to know that someone is reading this, perhaps even enjoying it or identifying with it.
current mood: anxious
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 4th, 2004
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10:07 pm - I got caught up in all there was to offer and the cost was so much more than I could bear
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Happy 2004, everyone. I hope you all have a positive year.
I abandon this journal too frequently. It's ironic because I am constantly seeking an outlet, yet there is one right in front of me that I've never utilized it to full extent. I remember how I used to have a leather-bound notebook in the sixth grade; I always carried it with me, because writing was what kept me sane and I'd need to write at the most random of times. Now I just let myself fall victim to insanity. Maybe this can change that, if I give it a fair shot.
So much has happened in the past three weeks that I can't pinpoint where to start. I caught the flu the week before winter break and had to spend most of the time reading in bed. I finished everything new on my bookshelf, so my mom decided to get me some new ones for Christmas. She was going to let me pick them out for myself, but I prefer to be surprised, so I just explained that I've never read a book I didn't like and that anything she chose would be fine. I ended up getting "Big Fish", "10th Grade", and "When She Was Good." So far I've read "Big Fish" in its entirety, and I'm most of the way through "10th Grade." I love them both. My dad also got me "America 24/7", a photojournalistic approach to documenting a week of life in America. Considering how little understanding he has of my personality, I thought it was a good effort. I love it as well, though I honestly don't think I have it in me to dislike a present, let alone something from my father.
But the true Christmas surprise was the Lomo LC-A that Kay bought me. It's perfect! I am having great fun with it. It was actually more of a New Year's gift, since she was on vacation until the 30th and couldn't give it to me until New Year's Eve. But I can honestly say that that was the best night of my life, and contrary to Joad and Ian's beliefs, it's not just because it was the first time I "made out" (the candle set my sisters got me for Christmas proved to be perfect for this). It was because for the first time in my life, I felt worthy, and it was such a beautiful feeling. I am upset that tomorrow is our first day back at school, because I have so much work to catch up on and I won't be able to see Kay. I've become quite dependent on her.
I know there's so much more to say, but all I can think of is that I'm growing like a beanstalk. I used to be so short, and now I'm so, well, big. Many other unexpected changes are coming along with it and I'm afraid that I'm going to turn into the everyday, stereotypical teenage boy. I wish my innocence could have lasted longer, but it seems like the world is pressing people to grow up too fast, too soon nowadays. Has anyone else noticed this, or is it just me? And am I giving out too much information? This is all a bit embarrassing for me. Sometimes I doubt that I'm only thirteen years old, because just a few months ago, the things I feel now were unimaginable.
current mood: rushed
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, December 13th, 2003
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2:13 pm - Fifteen minutes later, and oh, how I've changed
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I am sick of being told that I am "wise beyond my years." Quite honestly, I am as conflicted and confused as every other thirteen year old boy.
I went to my first poetry coffeehouse last night and read some of my work. I was shocked at the reception it got. It took me the whole evening to summon enough courage to read, so I went second to last; even after two and a half hours of some pretty torturous poems, the audience was alert and perked when I read. Kay had a smile on her face the whole time, especially during "Eyes" (which I actually ended up putting to music, though I didn't do the whole shebang there). I never knew I had that in me.
Tonight is another Molly Ringwald night. We always watch the very same movies in the very same order, yet it never gets old. Some things in life are just like that, like mom's hot chocolate on a snowy winter day.
current mood: angsty
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 11th, 2003
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8:05 pm - I listen to my words but they fall far below.
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Sometimes I contemplate beginning my entries with "dear journal", but I'm afraid of being perceived as corny.
Everything I've written seems so insincere. I detest what I'm becoming, but even more so, I grieve what I've lost. Has love taken away my innocence?; have I replaced a part of myself with a part of Kay?; am I really capable of love at this age? I am constantly faced with these questions, and the battle for the answers is wearing me out. It's a one-man fight, and the truth only lies within my heart. I just hope I'll be in one piece when all is said and done. Maybe the answers aren't really what I need right now. It's a "difficult" time, and I think I should focus on getting better.
In regard to repeating the grade, I met with my psychiatrist today and he thinks it's completely unnecessary and potentially harmful. He's putting in a call to the guidance counselor and principal to see what can be arranged. The ironic thing is that my parents may be the biggest impediment; they've basically set it in stone that I should be held back. I feel stripped of my opinion.
In a way, I prefer mental illness to all of this; the process of healing and resolving seems to be making irreversible changes to my personality and my lifestyle and that scares me.
current mood: confused
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
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8:24 pm - I feel afraid and I call your name, I love your voice and your dance insane.
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This past week, if I dare sum it up in a single word, was rough. I met with my guidance counselor on Monday to discuss how I should approach making up my work. Ater compiling a list of assignments, quizzes, and tests from my five majors, we concluded that it would be virtually impossible to fit in all of it before winter break. My parents had a meeting with the principal today and decided that it would be best academically -- but "even more importantly" socially and psychologically -- for me to repeat the grade. Honestly, I don't how to deal with this. Eighth grade twice? Double the time, but quadruple the nightmare.
I'm locking myself into a negative thought process again. My psychologist has been encouraging me to make a list of pros and cons to help myself get out of "emotion mind" and into "wise mind". Here's what I've come up with:
( Pros & Cons )
Conclusions? None, as of now.
I really just want to see Kay. I want to cuddle with her on the couch and watch Molly Ringwald movies all night. I want lose myself in her arms. She's the only person who can make me okay right now. The only one who can make me feel complete.
I wish I weren't so clingy.
current mood: dejected
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
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8:11 pm - Panic
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Sometimes I feel like the people I love do not give me enough respect. Does this make me a bad person?
current mood: disappointed
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, December 1st, 2003
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8:39 pm - Love in veins
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My first day back at school was not as terrifying as I thought it would be! I started out the first few periods with a knot in my stomach, and I spontaneously broke out in tears during History class. But I recovered quickly, and from that point on, I was alright. There were a few people who hadn't even noticed I was gone -- though that's not much of a surprise -- and it was actually preferrable to the countless interrogations I got. I've decided to keep the past month locked inside myself with the key thrown away; I am too afraid of judgment and let down.
Tomorrow Kay and I are having our first official "date" since I was discharged. I'm playing this song for her.
"Got you in my blood, blood
Love in veins, love in veins
Can you feel it? Is it living?"
current mood: okay
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 30th, 2003
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11:18 am - cut loose in a nightmare, cast off in my dreams
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I was just discharged from the institution a few days ago. I went inpatient after repeated suicide attempts. They experimented with a lot of medications while I was there, and finally decided on a combination of Wellbutrin and Risperdal. Almost three weeks later, it's yet to work.
Catching up in school is going to be a disaster, and it may come down to repeating the grade. I'm both against and for it; for, because it will take a lot of stress off me, but moreso, against, because being stuck in eighth grade two years in a row is my worst nightmare. Tomorrow is my first official day back in classes. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping I'll make it through.
Surprisingly, there's not much more I wish to say. Words seem so empty lately, especially mine.
I re-designed my journal, so come take a look. I apologize for being so absent lately. I'll put an effort into posting more, just incase some of you are actually interested in what I have to say.
current mood: nervous
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 1st, 2003
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3:43 pm - Smash it up, yeah, when i'm down
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Halloween was lovely. I dressed up as Peter Pan and took my neighbor trick-or-treating. It's nice to know that even though I'm hospitalized again, people can still be the same around me. Especially parents. I thought I would have lost a lot of trust...
As you may know, yesterday was also my birthday. I'm thirteen. A teenager. I think it's more symbolical than anything else, but being so emotional and moody seems much more reasonable now. Also, my brother got me a couple of blank tapes and some colored pencils, so I've been making a lot of mixtapes, which (for me) requires drowning myself in sad music and drawing melancholy album covers. That's definitely contributing to it.
For some reason, I can't help but think my medicine is "changing" me. Something seems a little off. I'm not as coherent, creative, or expressive when I write, and even if it's not noticeable, I feel much less self-aware. I don't know. Maybe it's better this way. I just feel like I'm losing myself, and when I went on medicine, I was hoping for the opposite effect. I'll talk about it with my therapist when I see him next.
current mood: melancholy
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, October 27th, 2003
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7:05 pm
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In case you were wondering about my three week absence, I made a foolish suicide attempt and had to spend some time at the hospital. Stupid and selfish, I know. It was a totally impulsive decision, one I do not think that I would make again. Next week I will begin attending a day program at the mental institution. The majority of the day is spent for therapy and the rest is for school work. I actually think it will be beneficial.
On a more cheerful and optimistic note, I can't wait to get the new Belle and Sebastian CD.
current mood: stressed
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